


One Goodbye Too Many

by dancingdragon3



Series: Loving a Horde and Other Life Lessons [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, Doppelganger, Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Male Friendship, Romance, Romantic Friendship, doppelgangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23748694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingdragon3/pseuds/dancingdragon3
Summary: Picks up immediately after The Flash 6x15 “The Exorcism of Nash Wells”. Talking to Nash about Harry brings up painful feelings in Cisco. Harry takes over Nash’s body to have one last moment with him. And then things get complicated.The one major canon change is that Cisco is not dating Kamilla. Also omits the last scene of 6x15 with Cisco, Barry, and Caitlyn.Quotes/memories from canon and present thoughts are in italics.
Relationships: Cisco Ramon & Harrison "Nash" Wells, Cisco Ramon/Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells
Series: Loving a Horde and Other Life Lessons [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710802
Comments: 14
Kudos: 48





	One Goodbye Too Many

**Author's Note:**

> This story can be read as a stand alone. Posting may be slow going, but I do have plans for this series.

"As for the other Wellses, their brainwaves are unfortunately still entangled with yours," Cisco said. "So they’re as much a part of you now as yourself.” 

Nash took the revelation in stride, busying himself with his gear, his pockets, his gauntlet. Until Cisco held out the picture of Nash and Maya. Then brought up Allegra while Nash was still wiping snot off his nose. 

“I get how difficult it is to separate your feelings about a person from their doppelgangers. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Harry?” 

“You didn’t. That’s your Earth-2 Wells?” 

“The very one.” 

“All right, go ahead.” Nash stopped moving, making that conscious choice to shut up, sit still, and listen, more reminiscent of Harry or H.R. than himself. 

“When I first saw him...” Cisco held his hand out, swallowing against the emotions that flooded to the surface. “...all I could see was Eobard Thawne.” His voice grew thick, but he sucked it back using years of experience. “But when I saw him, when I really saw Harry for who he was...I became his friend. And he became mine. Yeah, you got off to a bad start with Allegra, but it’s not too late to build something good.” 

“You’re a good egg.” 

Nash smiled at him through red rimmed eyes filled with respect, gratitude, and something Cisco couldn’t take seeing. Not again. Message delivered, he shoved their moment away with a joke and bolted out of the room. Not slowing down for a second, he only exchanged the usual abrupt, manly shoulder slaps with a man who looked too much like someone else. Like a man always leaving. 

The goodbye was nothing like the meaningful quote filled, hugging cry fest he shared with Harry. The way he couldn’t look him in the eye as he held Cisco’s shoulder one last time and said, “I love you, too.” Cisco had smiled as Harry walked away, trying to pretend the declaration was completely platonic, and that he wanted it that way. Just like he pretended Harry’s messages were an adequate substitute for the real thing. 

Hurrying down curving hallways, Cisco held it all in until he made it back to the cluttered workroom he considered home. A room filled to the brim with the ghosts of messes, memories, and inventions he’d made with Harry. 

_“Anyway, miss you.”_

When the sobs came, they ripped out of him like jagged, lethal things. Like the infected wound of a dimensional breach had been torn back open by a xenomorph. Cisco stumbled, then fell into a roller chair.

_“They’re currently firing at 120 times per second. I think we can get to 200. It’s real progress.”_

“Dammit, Harry. Maldito cabrón. Nobody cared about your damned neurons. If you’d been here...” Cisco bent over, clenching his hair.

Years ago, he had mourned openly for H.R., and his stupid parting words. Yet he hid how badly Harry leaving had hurt him. Drowning his pain with booze and telling everyone it was only over Cynthia. Telling himself the same, except in the darkest, drunken hours of the night. Not unlike how he dealt with Thawne’s betrayal, and all the way too complicated emotions that followed. 

Then Cynthia died and it was his fault. Then Harry and Jesse died. And for months, he didn't even know it. Cisco didn’t think he could live with so much loss. A dozen nights alone in motel rooms hadn’t been nearly enough. He’d spent most of it numb and working on autopilot. 

But, now, finally connecting to Nash... Facing Thawne. Again. Everything he felt for all of them was roaring back to the surface. Had him crying so hard he thought he might throw up. 

He was going to spend his whole life grieving for Wellses.

“Ramon.” 

Cisco sat up so fast his chair rolled back a couple of inches. Nash hovered in the shadowed doorway, still wearing his travel gear. Cisco sucked in a gnarly, wet breath, scrambling to wipe his face with the backs of his hands. “Nash. Hey, man. I thought you left.” 

A rough voice much lower than usual said, “I couldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye myself.” 

Cisco’s breath stuttered. He froze in place and slowly rolled his eyes up. “Harry?” 

“Hello, Ramon.” He stepped into the light, head bowed a fraction, wearing the barest glimmer of a self-deprecating smile. 

“Oh, no!” Cisco kicked against the floor, shoes squeaking where they attacked the linoleum. His chair ricocheted noisily off a workstation. “See, this is exactly what I did _not want_.” He braced a hand on the table and pressed back into the chair as hard as he could. “Do you have any idea -” Fresh tears burned his eyes. 

Harry moved a little closer. “I know. I’m sorry, but, I had to tell you...that I'm sorry.” 

“For what?” His anger turned the question into a curse. 

“For not coming back.” 

“Aw, fuck you!” Cisco shoved his chair back another foot. He could barely breathe. Sweat broke out over his face and neck. If he still had his powers, he’d think he was about to vibe so hard he’d set himself on fire. The cold metal of the chair arms pinched into his hands, he was gripping them so hard. 

Harry took careful steps forward, shoulders tensed, hands folded together. His posture, the tightly wound way he held his face and body...so unlike Thawne’s easy, self-assured confidence. Nash’s weighted acceptance. Sherloque’s arrogance or H.R.’s animated affectations. Only his proud, repressed, and maybe a little lonely, Harry.

Cisco swallowed a mouth full of snot and salty water. Felt some of his anger and bitterness trickle away. “Why didn’t you? Come back?” 

Harry inhaled and lifted his chin. “I was afraid,” he said through clenched teeth. 

Cisco mulled things. “Of us?” He sniffed and wiped his nose.

“Yes.” It came out as the sliver of an ashamed whisper.

He huffed and crossed his arms. “So, I was right? There was something...more?” 

Harry gave a short, stiff nod. “You?” 

“Dude! Look at me!” He threw up his hands. “My face feels like it should be next to the wiki entry ‘Ugly Cry’.” He slouched back down. “Yeah, there was more for me,” he said, voice as hoarse as Harry’s.

Harry’s shoulders relaxed, lips giving the hint of a smile before sobering. He rolled another chair over and sat down to face him, reaching out like he wanted to touch Cisco’s shoulder. But they were too far apart, and Cisco could only stare. At the hand. The man. The clear blue eyes he couldn’t seem to get away from. Insecurity flickered over Harry’s face, propelling Cisco to sit up and reach back.

Harry truly smiled then, eyes filled with so much emotion it hurt to look at. His palm was strong, warm, and calloused. Another hand folded into the mix, stirring memories of the secret times he wondered exactly how much larger Harry’s hands were. What those long, dexterous fingers would feel like touching...places... He didn’t know if he should be sad or relieved that he would never know if Harry’s real hands felt any different. He held tight to them anyway. 

Then came words he never dreamed of hearing, sounding like something tender being dragged over rusty nails. “Ramon, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some very, very bad calls. But none of them were as pathetically moronic as me not coming back home to you when I had the chance.” 

And of course, Cisco started crying all over again. But, this time he moved forward, into Harry’s arms. Objects in Nash’s utility pockets poked at him, but he didn’t care. He dug his fingers into Harry’s back like it would keep him there forever.

“You’re my home,” Harry whispered against his neck. His hand stroked over, then through Cisco’s hair. “Jesse was my family. But you’re my home. I’m sorry I didn’t - I’m sorry.” 

“Harry...dammit. I hate that I needed to hear that. You dick.” 

“I know. I am. The world’s biggest...dumbest.” Harry untangled his fingers from Cisco’s hair long enough to lean back and throw off Nash’s shoulder bag. “Ugh, this stupid thing.” It landed on the floor with a heavy thud. He pulled Cisco back to him until they were chest to chest and clinging to each other again.

“I kept telling myself I would come back. But, the way I am now...this new balance. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold down everything I felt - feel for you.” Harry’s soft, gruff voice was warm against Cisco’s ear. “Your friendship meant so much to me, I didn’t dare reach for something else. And with the team... I just couldn’t see how it could even happen. But I thought, if I did. If I did try, then I didn’t think it was possible without the one thing that connects us. I saw your face when you realized I wasn’t smart anymore, Ramon. I -” 

“Harry.” 

Harry stopped talking immediately. Cisco tried not to let that get to him in the usually inappropriate ways. “You're right. I mean, not about the smart thing. I was upset because I’d failed you. You prided yourself on your intellect. And it killed me that I’d had a hand in you not having that life anymore.” 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“My hand on the switch.”

“I-“

“No, this is my turn. I loved working with you. Putting our minds together on so many crazy, brilliant ideas. But that wasn’t the only thing between us. You started sending me those messages, and all I wanted was for you to come home. I didn’t care about anything except that you weren’t here.” Cisco took a loud, shaky breath. “That I couldn’t just walk up and stand beside you. Or, ya know, irritate you from across the room.” 

Harry held him tighter. “That’s all I wanted, too. That’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.” 

Something snapped inside Cisco. He leaned back, blinking against his tears and grabbing Harry's face. He paused to whisper, “Nash’s face. So weird,” then kissed him. 

It was weird. And stubbly. And he smelled wrong. But, there were also hungry, needy sounds coming from one or both of them, and underneath it all, under Cisco’s lips and hands and tongue, was his Harry kissing him back. So all and all - best kiss of ever. 

Later, they rested their foreheads together, catching their breath. Harry whispered, “God, I’m so stupid.” 

“It’s not all on you. I coulda ran after you. Stopped you. Told you how I felt. Asked to go with you. Gone to visit you. Got you to come here to recharge your neurons. There’s a million things I could've done differently.” 

Harry clasped Cisco’s hand and held it to his mouth. They shared a long look of regret. Then Harry’s expression slowly changed, relaxed. His focus drifted off to the side, down towards Nash’s bag, then out to the middle distance. When it returned, his eyes were dark and calculating like Cisco hadn’t seen in years. 

“Harry, what is your brain doing right now?” 

Harry kissed Cisco’s index finger, slow and deliberate, then let his chin rest on top of their joined hands. “Thinking,” he rasped. 

“Harry, you cannot keep Nash’s body.”

The intense expression only hardened. “Why not.”

“Because it’s wrong? We just spent days trying to get Thawne outta there! And it was not pretty.”

“I’m not Thawne. I’m me. Nash is miserable with his life anyway. And you and I... We could...” Harry’s eyes finally softened. “We could be together.” 

“Harry. I don’t think the team -” 

“Fuck the team.” 

“ _Harry._ ” He tried and failed to pull out of Harry’s grasp. 

“Come with me. You left them before. Do it again.” Harry’s bright gaze bore into Cisco like laserized desperation. “We’ll say you’re going adventuring with Nash and they’ll never be the wiser.”

“You mean lie and run away.” 

“That is precisely what I mean. I should still have money in a bank here and another in Gotham. Plenty to go wherever we want and start over. No one would know.” 

“Except Nash. Even if I was willing to leave the team permanently, which I am pretty sure I would not be, we can’t just.... That would be like...” Cisco’s face twisted. He leaned in close, not meeting Harry’s eyes. “That would be like raping him, Harry.” 

Harry groaned and slumped back, finally letting go of Cisco’s hand. He got up and stomped around the room, occasionally knocking beakers and bowls to the floor. He stomped back to loom over Cisco. “What if Nash gave us his approval?" 

“You cannot be serious.” 

“I so am.” 

Cisco pressed his lips together. “Nash was supposed to be patching things up with Allegra. We can’t take that away from him.” 

“Why? What makes one aborted, multiversal relationship any more important than another?” 

“Well, for one...” He held his hands out. “That’s his body!” 

“Then why am I inside it?!” Harry's shout echoed through the room. He strode to the nearest table and grabbed a wrench. It banged against the far wall. “Why can I see! And hear! And feel if not for this!” With every other word, more tools went flying until one finally knocked over a clear board. 

Cisco sat up slowly, not wanting to discourage the outburst. But also not wanting to look like he didn’t care. Because he did. 

“This hasn’t happened to anybody else,” Harry went on, breathing heavy, with tears clouding his voice. “You’re not turning into... _Reverb_. Iris isn’t being haunted by Detective West. Barry isn’t a tweed bedecked waste of space. It’s just me,” he yelled at the ceiling. The tear that ran down his cheek broke another piece off of Cisco’s heart. “I’ve been stuck in here, seeing you, and not being able to -” He reached towards Cisco with both hands, then clenched them into fists, bent over double, and made a sound like his soul was being ripped in two. Cisco knew that it was and he couldn’t stand it. 

When he started kicking the table leg, Cisco judged the right amount of time had passed and jumped up. “Okay, okay. Harry! Hey, look at me.” He hauled Harry around by his shoulders. “We’re gonna figure something out, alright? Just...come here.” Cisco hugged him close, laying his head on Harry’s chest. “Try to find your chill, okay, buddy? For me?” 

Cisco said a silent thanks that everyone else must have already left the building. This wasn’t the first Harry meltdown, but, he did not even begin to know how to explain what was going on here to the team. 

After a tense moment, Harry looped his arms around Cisco and heaved out the world’s most long-suffering sigh. “There, I’ve found my chill. What’s your next bright idea?” 

Cisco smiled at Harry’s sullen teenager voice. “Is Nash aware of what’s going on right now?” 

Harry sniffed. “I don’t know. I suppose.” 

“Then let me talk to him.” 

“Like that’s ever accomplished anything.” 

“Trust me. Let me talk to him.” 

“Ramon... I...” Harry pulled away enough to look at him. He cupped Cisco’s cheek, eyes filled with misgiving. 

“Trust me, Harry.” Cisco covered Harry’s hand with his own. “I am done with saying goodbye to you.” 

Harry nodded and said in a way that could not be misinterpreted, “I love you, too.” Before Cisco could recover enough to say some words back, Harry took a shaky breath and closed his eyes. 

Nash opened them. He flinched and eased out of Cisco’s arms with an unreadable expression. His boots scuffed against the floor as he backed up into the table, gaze still locked onto Cisco’s face. “Wow. So that’s you and your Wells.” He blew out a breath and pressed a hand to his chest.

“Yep. All our effed up glory.” 

“I thought what I felt was...” Nash looked away and scowled. “I’ve never felt like this about anybody. Harry...” He rubbed his stomach. “He hurts. And _wants_.” 

“We all hurt.” He bobbed his head. “And want.” 

“Yeah, but this feels like I’ve literally been stabbed in the gut.”

Cisco held his arms out. “That’s why Cupid carries arrows, baby. Cause love’s a puncture wound that never heals.” 

Nash seemed to deflate a little. 

Cisco frowned, feeling guilty. He was doing it again. Pushing away. He met Nash’s gaze, letting him see whatever was there. “Nash...what did you mean about how you felt?” 

“Yeah, alright then.” Nash pivoted and punched the air. “Like I couldn’t see this coming. Spilling his heart out. Getting you all worked up. Thinking _he’s_ gonna be the emotionally mature one. Ha! As if.”

“We're talking about Harry.”

“Yes, yes, I’m talking about Harry. Guy’s really starting to bug me. He’s so arrogant.” 

Cisco grinned at the familiar. ”And that has what to do with what?” 

Nash hopped onto the desk Harry had cleared off. “Because not unlike ole Smirky Face Wells, the reason I keep leaving is because I’m afraid to stay. I don’t want...the same things he wants, but the - “ He swallowed. “This bond that supposedly all Wells and Ramons have? I don’t like it. It makes me feel...compromised.” 

“I’m not following.” 

“There’s something about you. It makes me want to earn your respect. Your trust. And then keep them like I'm some kinda person that does that. I don’t like it. It's too much pressure. What you did for me in that cave? What you’ve been doing whenever I stand still long enough? Deep down...it means everything to me, kid,” he whispered, eyes getting red again. “Maya’s death...I never wanted to feel that kinda pain again. I like hanging with the gang here. Frost. Barry. Caitlyn. But, it’s only the way I feel about you that scares me.”

“Wow.”

“Yee-up.”

“Okay. Cards on the table?” Cisco crossed one arm over his stomach and waved the other hand. “This bond between us? It’s been scaring me, too. At first, you were the cool Wells. Jumping off buildings with a bottomless bag of techno goodies. Smoke bombing my ass. I’ll admit it. I thought you were hot.” 

Nash dipped his head graciously. 

“And I was really looking forward to seeing what our relationship would be like.” Cisco sighed. “But, then Crisis happened, and Harry died, and the Council. And -” He stared hard at the wall, determined not to cry again. “Suddenly you were the _only_ Wells. And I _hated_ you for that. And even after I took a step back and got over my anger, still the idea of being close to you was something I couldn’t do. Not again. But, then I thought I was gonna lose you, too and I..." 

Nash had been so desperate and terrified in that cave. It surprised Cisco how helpless and protective it made him feel. He remembered telling H.R. how much he needed to be there for any Wells. And the first Wells, constantly urging him on from the back of his mind to 'show up'. 

"I would have done anything to get you out of there. Anything," he swore, meeting Nash's gaze head on. "But, then you're safe and it's like being on a train that you know is going to crash. So, I tried to push you away, again. And that was wrong. And, I’m sorry. Cause, if I learned anything from losing Harry...losing Cynthia...it’s that being apart doesn’t make loss hurt any less. In fact, I can promise that it only makes it worse.” 

Nash’s face relaxed. He started to say something, but his attention darted off to the side. ”And, I hate your face.”

Cisco blinked and glanced at that side of the room, but only saw empty chairs among the disorder of tables and desks. “Soo, it’s gonna be like that, huh?” 

Nash made an aggrieved sound and jumped down from the table. He shuffled up to Cisco, close enough to touch. “Do you want me to stay?” 

“Of course, I want you to stay. You’re my friend.” This time, his hand held onto Nash’s arm. “I care about you. A lot.”

Nash sniffed and cleared his throat, nodding for several seconds. “Okay, then. I’ll stay.” He glanced to the side and sneered. 

Cisco turned as Nash lumbered towards his pack, still lying on the floor. “About Harry.”

Nash’s boots skidded to a stop. “His name is Smirky Face.”

Cisco smiled. Nash and Harry were sooo mature. Not. “Fine. About me and Smirky Face -“

Nash held up two fingers. “Two rules. Be my wingmen with Allegra. You help me with a little errand while we’re gone. And Harry and I share this body equally when you get home.”

“That’s three - home - what?” 

“You and Harry, going on a secret, romantic jaunt together.” His arm shot out. “Hitting that highway, seeing where it takes you.” He turned around wearing a resigned expression. “And when you get back...” He shrugged, looking around the room. “I’ll share this body with him. Like Frost and Caitlyn. Let you two have a life together.”

Cisco’s eyes widened. “Nash, you understand if me and Harry...we’re probably gonna...” He interlocked his fingers and wiggled them. 

“Sure," he nodded in that way that said you were an idiot. "That’s not news. And yes, this...is unusual. But, what’s usual about our lives?”

“Nash...” It’s not that he wanted to talk him out of it, but... “This is huge. Not Crisis huge, but -” 

“Not really. He’s right. I am miserable.” Nash finally swept his bag up and hung it over one shoulder. “So, let me see what true, couplely love looks like. You know, when it feels good. Not this mess of ugh.” He waved his hand at his torso. “And if we get right with Allegra, then maybe... I don’t know, maybe we could be some kinda doppelganger family. Give Smirky Face...” Nash glanced over at the empty space again. “...something of what having a daughter is like again. Maybe then...we can all find a way to be happy.” 

_Well, shit._

“I wouldn’t be standing here if not for you, Cisco. Nobody would be. Thawne would have already torn this place and all of Central City apart by now. And your Wells? He lost his daughter and his whole world because of me. All of them did. So, let me do this. For you. For him.” He bowed his head. “For all of us.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” 

“Yep. Never more.” Nash gave a swift nod and squared his shoulders. 

Cisco rubbed his face. It felt tight and sticky under layers of drying tears. He spared a few thoughts for Barry and Caitlyn, but Harry was right. They’d been fine without him before. He started shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He wondered what Felicity was doing.

“This is insane, Nash.” 

“No doubt. But when do we let that stop us?” The half grin and daring twinkle in his eye was pure, undiluted Wells. 

Cisco bit his lip, heart picking up speed. “Okay. Okay, let’s do this.” Cisco rubbed his thighs, feeling light headed. “You give me a wee-month. A month or two with Harry. We’ll run that errand that you’re trying to gloss over.” He raised an eyebrow and waited for Nash’s guilty head bob before continuing. “And then...we’ll go from there. Figure out how to make this work for all of us.” He bounced on his toes, smiling so wide it hurt his face. He held up his fist. “Wells-Ramon.” 

Nash bumped Cisco’s fist. “Wells-Ramon.” Nash grinned and slapped his hands together. “Alright! Let's get your gear and saddle up, partner.”

Cisco’s smile froze into a grimace. He stared up at Nash’s forehead. 

“What?” 

“Hells Wells is up there somewhere.” 

“Yeah, so’s the mobster, the mime, the nympho, the beatnik, the wizard, the cyborg, and all the rest of us. We - oh, what now?” He scowled at the Harry Space. “I’ll watch whatever your eyes are seeing. If I was you I’d be more worried about bath robe over here.” Nash gestured towards a different empty space. “The hair. Just why?” 

_Hold up._ He’d completely forgotten that Harry wasn’t the only Wells actually speaking to Nash. Did that mean... He smacked his forehead. “Oh, my god.” They could _all_ see what Nash’s eyes saw? Feel what his body was feeling? But, that would mean... That would mean... That would mean... That would mean...

“Ramon.” A hand landed heavily onto Cisco’s shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?” 

Cisco stared into crystal blue eyes. “Harry.” 

“The one an only.” He winked. 

“ _Harry._ ” Cisco squinted. Meaningfully. 

Harry’s false cheer fell away. “Yeah, I know. I know.” His hand moved away to twitch nervously at the air. “It’s going to be...interesting. But, hey, we’re scientists. This is definitely something...” He waved between them. “...sciency?” 

Cisco sighed. “Sure. That’s my love life in a nutshell. One hundred percent science project.” Harry opened his mouth. “No.” Harry shut his mouth. “Is the Council gone for now?” Harry nodded. “Good. I will thank Nash the next time I see him.” Cisco rubbed down Harry’s arms then held onto his hands. “Now, you, Harry. My dearest Harrison Wells.” Harry smiled and glanced at Cisco’s mouth. “Let me take this moment to remind you, now and forever, that no matter what happens...this was all your idea.” 

“Yeah, that’s fair. Duly noted. But, hey.” He leaned in close, eyes twinkling again. “We’re gonna have fun. Us, out there, loose on the world. You _know_ we’re gonna have some fun, right?” 

“You’re crazy,” Cisco laughed. “That is what I know.”

“You love it.” It sounded like a statement, but his eyes made it into a question. 

Heart beating so fast, he could barely breathe, Cisco cupped Harry’s jaw with both hands. “Yes, I really do. Like nobody else. From any Earth.” He caught a glimmer of tears before Harry closed his eyes and the distance between them. Their lips moved together soft and sure. Jostling and a thud announced Nash’s pack hitting the floor, again. Then warm, strong arms gathered around Cisco’s waist, pulling him to his toes.


End file.
